I am Bikini Man!!
This is a story about a guy I met on a quiet Sunday morning.
Following some normal morning duties around the office, my partner and I were preparing to organize some lunch when we were called to a home for a man with a “shoulder” problem. Not an emergency call by the limited information we were given; just “shoulder” problem.
My partner and I converse on the way to see what “shoulder” problem could be on an early Sunday morning – maybe a fall from a ladder, or a car jack fell on someone, or even a knife accident. Deranged sense of humor I know, but it gets us through the days of “shoulder” problems.
We arrived within a few minutes at a quiet looking house with no evidence of anything unusual. We approach the front door of Bikini Man’s house and politely knock and the door while yelling “Paramedics”.
We hear a faint response from someone in the house – “Door’s Open”. We go ahead and open the front door and enter into the living area of the house, but no one in sight. I again yell “Paramedics, can we help you”? We then hear ruckus coming from near the living area where we were standing; sounded a lot like human pinball with an occasional profanity thrown in.
A few seconds of human pinball and a couple F bombs later, a moderately overweight, middle aged man emerges from what we assumed was the bedroom with his right arm extended straight over his head wearing a very undersized pair of bikini underwear. Now, I am not a men’s fashion aficionado but there are just some things you should abandon after your twenties – just saying.
As Bikini Man dances around the living room of his home with his right arm seemingly stuck in the locked and upright position,and in obvious discomfort, I ask what happened to his arm? He abruptly shouts “it’s dislocated”. That wasn’t really an answer, but I can work with that. He obviously wasn’t going to die in front of my eyes, and these are the types of calls we Paramedics live for – time to have a little fun with Bikini Man.
I realize he was in pain, but something was obviously going on at the house before we arrived that he isn’t about to share. So, I pry a little – “How did you get your arm in this position anyway”? Bikini Man explains with a degree of agitation “I have problems with this shoulder and sometimes it just pops out”. “Oh”, I replied. “were you just sleeping and felt it come out or what”? Bikini Man replies, “I was just getting out of bed and it just popped out”.
I realize some people do have issues with joints that easily dislocate, but they don’t just “pop out” while sleeping. There is usually some type of activity or sudden movement that makes the joint go out of position.
I explain to Bikini Man that we are not allowed to reduce dislocations in the field unless there is compromise to circulation, which there obviously wasn’t. Distressed by that explanation, Bikini Man asks me “what am I supposed to do with my arm like this then”? I tell him we would be glad to transport him to the Emergency Department to have a physician help him reduce the dislocation. A look of horror comes across Bikini Man’s face as he looks down realizing his attire is inappropriate for an ER visit. He declines my invitation for a ride to the hospital.
It was about this time I hear another human pinball bouncing around in the bedroom, and with a whisk, the door slams shut. Rut row Shaggy. Bikini Man shouts through the closed door “they can’t reduce this dislocation, so can you take me down to the ER“?No response. Keep in mind that all this is happening while Bikini Man’s arm is stretched out over his head as if he is waiting patiently for the teacher to call on him 🙂
There was never a response from the bedroom. I glance over at my partner at one point as he is aimlessly looking through the equipment bag trying not to look at me or it’s game on. Since I have been doing this so long I can keep my composure through just about anything, and not much surprises Mongo.
So, Bikini Man is not about to take a ride in our ambulance to the ER to get his shoulder looked at. We again offer him a quality ride, with all the usual amenities – warm blanket, semi comfy cot, pillow, and if he’s a good boy a squirt of morphine for his pain. But, he declines again. So, we do what we have to do and advise him that his injury could result in death if not properly treated, which actually makes him laugh for a brief moment and comments “I’m not going to die from a dislocated shoulder”. The temptation was too great and I just couldn’t resist a response – “but, you might die if anyone sees you in those bikini underwear”. He clearly didn’t see the humor in it but someone in the bedroom thought it was pretty funny.
No one ever did emerge from the bedroom. God only knows what really happened to Bikini Man 🙂
The moral of this story – give up the bikini briefs after you hit 30, always have a pair of sweatpants handy, and have a good story planned out if you think you’re ever going to need silly Paramedics like Mongo showing up to help you.
Here is your visual of Bikini Man – enjoy